After receiving countless angry letters to the editor about my last article (click here), I vowed that I would never write another blog post for Wild Iris. However, Jeremy didn’t change the website password in time so here we are again! Sequels are always better than the originals, right?
Just to give you all a taste, here are some of the complaints I received from my last blog post:
I can’t believe he has the audacity to spell my last name like that!
What is a Shrek reference doing in a climbing blog!?
I like climbing in the cold, how dare you!
It’s true that those are all valid points, but I can’t promise I left Shrek out of this one...
Great climbing partners help make great trips happen. Here Faucet Hands explores a sea of tufas down in Mexico.
Now Spring has sprung in Lander, so what better way to celebrate the warm hands again than with a blog post dedicated to all my climbing partners who help make climbing the best sport in the world. The longer I climb, the more I realize that the best thing about climbing is the friendships that you make along the way (no I didn’t steal that from a Hallmark Card). There are so many things that make a great climbing partner; I could never list them all, but I did my best to list a few of the attributes. However, you must always beware the dark side of the force. Nothing can ruin a good climbing day like a Jar Jar Binks of a partner.
Bold choice starting the article with a photo of Jar Jar Binks. Lets see where he is going with this… Jar Jar Binks is a trademark of Lucas films Studios. Also, If anyone from Lucas Films sees this, I rewrote “Starwars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace” starring Jar Jar as a sith lord. I think it is really tasteful and would appeal to a wider audience. I will be in touch.
THE GOOD
Faucet Hands with both hands on the rope and ready for my inevitable punt off the top of my project. Photo by Max Owens Media
Check Your Knot- It should go with out saying that the best attribute of a good climbing partner is safety. As climbers we are literally putting our life in someones hands every time we climb, so it is important to have a partner knows what they are doing. Climbing with someone that you trust, and who double checks your knot, is the cornerstone to every legendary climbing partnership.
A double stick clip, you kiddin’ me? Yes please! Note the bag of Sour Patch Kids in background.
I Got Your Stick- A true friend stick clips your first bolt for you so you can boot up and get in the zone. I once watched my roommate try and rodeo clip a hanging quickdraw for a solid 5 minutes just to prove that he could (he couldn’t) and he actually tore his bicep. Ok maybe that last part was a lie, but letting your belayer get your stick clip is one less thing you have to do to get ready for a redpoint attempt.
Now I can hear the old trad daddies dusting off their keyboards and sharpening their pitchforks to tell me that stick clipping is cheating, and that I am a “soft millennial”. Well, they are not wrong about me being a soft millennial, but many of the routes in Lander have cruxes right off the ground, and I enjoy having working ankles. I will happily use a stick a clip while eating my avocado toast.
Sharing Snacks- The true MVP’s of climbing partners share their snacks, especially if they are treats. My climbing partner Mason carries around a 2 pound bag of Sour Patch Kids in his climbing pack at all times despite the countless conversations I have had with him about crag nutrition (like I know what I’m talking about anyways). It usually goes a little something like this:
“You know Mason, you should really eat better. Have you tried whole grains and vegetables?”
“Sour Patch Kids cover all the colors in every food group.”
He then ties in, boots up, and sends a 5.13d in Rifle in Volcom skinny jeans, no kneepad, and biceps full of corn syrup and red dye 40. I lower him to the ground and he tosses me the bag. I hang my head in shame as I sheepishly accept a handful of the sweet and sour performance enhancing substances.
Positive Attitude- While I love falling off of my project just as much as you (probably more, actually), it’s a lot better when you have a supportive and motivated belayer. Having a climbing partner that is psyched to help you succeed is just one of the things that makes climbing so fun. Sure, sending routes is amazing, but spending time with your best friends outside is what really counts at the end of the day.
A motivated crew ready for a summer day in Ten Sleep. Even numbers, positive attitudes, and the psych is high.
We Can Take My Rope Today- Perhaps this made the list because I am the definition of a lazy sport climber, but all great climbing partners look out for each other. My climbing partners offer to carry the rope because they know my legs have atrophied to the size of sticks, and they are tired of waiting on me to stop and catch my breath on the 2 minute approach to the OK Corral. In return, they know what I bring to the table: obscure pop culture references, a soft catch, and the chance for them to have the biggest biceps for the day.
Cat and “The Former Head of Aquatic Maintenance” stoked for some crazy basalt sport climbing at the Jailhouse
THE BAD
The Spray Lord- For those who don’t know, the word “Spray” in the context of climbing refers to bragging about routes you have done, or by giving someone unsolicited beta on how to do a climb. For me, there is nothing worse than listening to some climber spray unwanted beta at someone in the gym, or won’t stop talking about how hard they climb. I genuinely do care about peoples’ accomplishments, but please stop spraying about how you climb R/X routes in Eldo, or how quickly you did that 5.13 in the Flatirons, we both know Ultrasaurus is 5.12d. Shots fired Colorado climbers ;)
If your climbing partner shows up to the crag wearing a 3OH!3 tank top, you need to find another partner… Here the author wears his to the crag just to make sure everyone knows he has terrible taste in music. Photo by Max Owens Media
The Short Roper- It happens, you pull up rope to clip and are met with a tight line of the dreaded short rope. Most of the time it’s an accident, a kink in the rope, the belay device locks, or a loose dog zooms over the rope. What is not cool as a cucumber is when you are getting short roped because your belayer isn’t paying attention. Few things are more frustrating than when you are redlining and pumped out of your gourd, only to be met with a tight line when you are trying to clip. To learn how to be an expert belayer, Petzl did a pretty damn good job (click here).
Guru Ben achieves enlightenment through the art of the mega belay.
The looong belay- Some of my climbing partners felt personally “attacked” by my last blog post. Good. I’m glad they came to the realization that they take mega belays. I’m kidding, long belays are absolutely essential when you are trying long routes at your limit, and part of being a good partner is by doing everything you can to help your friend succeed. The only time the looong belay is a problem is when they don’t want to return the favor and put their daily goals above yours.
The Wobbler- “Oh, there’s Jake falling off the top of Killer, again. I can hear him all the way from the parking lot”. Now I love watching a good wobbler (climber freak out) as much as the next guy, but there is a very fine line between being upset when you fall vs completely losing your mind. It's the wobblers that go on for waaayyy too long with a slew of F bombs when kids are around, that cross the line. If your climbing partner is in a terrible mood for the rest of the day after falling off a route, you need to find another climbing partner. Besides, at the end of the day, we are just climbing a rock, not finding out Toby Flenderson has returned to Dunder Mifflin.
I don’t have any photos of bad climbing partners so here are Jason and Sam smiling at the Rodeo Wave. Daww.
The Unprepared- There are many things I will never know in this life, but I know for a fact that I am a 50 Liter sport climber and take a lot of stuff up to the crag. Maybe it’s because I was a Boy Scout, but I like making sure I have enough room to carry all my 10 essentials and my merit badges. Of course I don’t mind sharing anything from my pack bodega, but it gets old fast when your climbing partner is constantly mooching at the crag. “Hey can I borrow your chalk/sourpatchkids/water/DVDof”TheNotebook”/tape/$500… You get it. Just don’t show up to my house without a backpack already wearing your harness with your draws and shoes clipped to your gear loops.
THE UGLY
This part of the article is intentionally left blank as to not offend any of my climbing partners. So instead enjoy this picture of my terrible “moustache.”
Well, at least Ben can grow a good one (far right).
We all have good days, and bad days out at the crag. Even if you didn’t send, hopefully you got to spend a day outside with a good friend. I do my best to be a great and supportive climbing partner as much as possible, but I am aware that I teeter the line between a good partner and the insufferable Jar Jar Binks. So to all my climbing partners, thank you for putting up with me! And as always, Wild Iris Mountain Sports has you covered for all your essential adventure gear (except Sour Patch Kids).
I hope you enjoyed the article and had a laugh or two (no? thats ok too.) In the comments below, let us know what are your favorite attributes of climbing partners, or what really grinds your gears. If you would like to send a disgruntled email about how I recycled the same jokes as the last article, or for grammatical mistakes, I can be reached at jake@wildirisclimbing.com.